Not so grand
Originally uploaded by norvegal
A few months ago, we had quite a stir when a fellow named Donald Crabtree decided to open a coffee shop in Vassalboro. One one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it towns in the middle of nowhere, Vasalboro's big claim to fame is being in a Bert & I joke. The tourist wheels through town and asks, "Which way to East Vassalboro?" The local replies, "Don'tcha move a goddamn inch." (I don't know, but it's a classic.)
Anyway, the concept of any business opening up in Vassalboro is a great thing, especially something like a coffee shop. But that wasn't the source of the controversy. No, the problem was that this coffee shop, my friend, would be staffed by topless women.
The local reaction was mixed. Apparently 150 people applied for 10 positions (that's job positions), while the more vocal locals insisted it was a moral outrage. It caught national media attention and sparked my favorite new term, "Bare-istas."
Well, last week Donald met with the town fathers/mothers and shared his intention to expand business to be more like a strip club. At which point all patience evaporated and Maine justice, of you can call it that, clicked into action. By 1am, the coffee shop had been burned to the ground. What you see is all that's left.
(Photo blurry because it was taken while driving past at 55mph this morning on my way to Portland. Taking pictures in a moving car is a nasty habit of mine. Don't do it at home, kids.)
Fortunately nobody was hurt (so much for my original post title, "Toasted Titties"), but folks won't be able to get their morning coffee-and-boob fix for a while yet. Donald had no insurance but insists he will rebuild and continue with his strip club plans. The newspapers are gently noting, "Arson has not yet been ruled out," to which I can only say, "Well DUH."
I'm wondering if a milk-your-own coffee bar, with a cow in back, would be better received? You still get your coffee and you'd even get to TOUCH the boobs. As long as the cow consents.