Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Not-so-grand View

Not so grand
Originally uploaded by norvegal

A few months ago, we had quite a stir when a fellow named Donald Crabtree decided to open a coffee shop in Vassalboro. One one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it towns in the middle of nowhere, Vasalboro's big claim to fame is being in a Bert & I joke. The tourist wheels through town and asks, "Which way to East Vassalboro?" The local replies, "Don'tcha move a goddamn inch." (I don't know, but it's a classic.)

Anyway, the concept of any business opening up in Vassalboro is a great thing, especially something like a coffee shop. But that wasn't the source of the controversy. No, the problem was that this coffee shop, my friend, would be staffed by topless women.

The local reaction was mixed. Apparently 150 people applied for 10 positions (that's job positions), while the more vocal locals insisted it was a moral outrage. It caught national media attention and sparked my favorite new term, "Bare-istas."

Well, last week Donald met with the town fathers/mothers and shared his intention to expand business to be more like a strip club. At which point all patience evaporated and Maine justice, of you can call it that, clicked into action. By 1am, the coffee shop had been burned to the ground. What you see is all that's left.

(Photo blurry because it was taken while driving past at 55mph this morning on my way to Portland. Taking pictures in a moving car is a nasty habit of mine. Don't do it at home, kids.)

Fortunately nobody was hurt (so much for my original post title, "Toasted Titties"), but folks won't be able to get their morning coffee-and-boob fix for a while yet. Donald had no insurance but insists he will rebuild and continue with his strip club plans. The newspapers are gently noting, "Arson has not yet been ruled out," to which I can only say, "Well DUH."

I'm wondering if a milk-your-own coffee bar, with a cow in back, would be better received? You still get your coffee and you'd even get to TOUCH the boobs. As long as the cow consents.


melissaknits said...

I am a Libertarian. I don't often cop to that publicly; separation of knitting and state and all that. This makes me very, very angry.

Adrienne Martini said...

That whole thing is wrong on so many levels. Still, very funny, in that "wow, people are weird" way.

To add to the weirdness, you could staff that coffee shop with lactating women, which would provide an education on the importance of breastfeeding and coffee milk.

Hey, I don't advocate this. Merely stating that it's an option.

Clara Parkes said...

See it's the whole MILK thing that makes it extra weird. Any time you have a topless woman holding a cup of milk at chest height and asking, "Do you want milk with that?" Just...capital-w weird.

Evelyn said...

I don't know which would be worse--the usual combo of nudity and alcohol, so that you have a bunch of drunks doing the ogling--or a bunch of guys hopped up on caffeine and wide awake as they ogle!

My family lives in Central Maine, so they have been keeping me updated on the goings-on there.

Painterwoman said...

SO glad to get the rest of the skinny on the photo I saw at Flickr. I've seen long-tailed tits at Flickr, but never a strip coffee joint. Those Mainers...
I suppose they DON'T have a knitting corner.

Anonymous said...

Oh, PLEASE keep us updated on this one!

It sounds ripe for Worker's Compensation claims, however. OUCH!

They can change the name of the town to Boobsboro. THEN they'll be on the map!